If John McCain doesn’t make it to President, he may have a future in comedy. On a recent Letterman show, in the monologue, Dave served up several McCain jokes:
“John McCain looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys.”
“John McCain looks like the guy who’s always got wiry hair growing out of new places.”
You get the picture. Then, surprising the audience, out walks McCain, who proceeds to volley back several Letterman jokes:
“You look like the guy who smuggles reptiles in his pants.”
“You look like the guy whose neighbors later say ‘he mostly kept to himself.’” Etc.
Not only were his comedic timing and delivery spot on, but he did a great impression of Letterman, hands in pockets, to boot!. “Maybe a little too funny,” was Letterman’s comment.

When he made his official guest appearance on the show a few minutes later, he continued his comfortable, casual, comedic style. He used prepared jokes to deflect a few questions, something he’s clearly mastered after appearing on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart more than 20 times – he actually holds the record. He even admitted that “candidates are a little repetitious from time to time,” but he still delivered the humorous lines in a fresh, first-time-you’ve-heard-them manner. Even when the conversation turned serious, he remained confident and calm, thoughtfully offering his take on the future.

Whoever wins the election, it will be refreshing to know that he or she is in on the joke, not the butt of it. John McCain can laugh with the best of them.

David Spade’s smarmy smugness just doesn’t work anymore; probably because as he is forced to admit, he is older now and therefore mellower, not a trait that helps edgy-esque comedy. One of the first sentences out of his mouth on his recent Tonight Show appearance was an apology for having to sit weirdly because of a bad neck. Good start when you are looking for sympathy from the audience, but not that usual cocky “I’m just f**king with you” Spade style.

He then proceeded to work his prepared material from beginning to end with cued help from Leno, who seemed only to be there only for the purpose of feeding Spade lines. Jay dutifully led Spade into his “bits” on family, dating and liposuction. At one point, Spade seemed to forget his own material and, looking lost, had to vamp until he got back on track. Focus, buddy.

The only real mention of his current series Rules of Engagement and the reason for his booking in the first place, was in reference to his having to attend the Superbowl at the Network’s request. He then went into “bits” on massage, Peyton Manning, and strip clubs. You never felt like he was actually having a conversation or being interviewed, instead you felt used and manipulated. You know it’s bad when you feel as sorry for Jay Leno as you do for yourself. ‘Nuff said.

It is so refreshing when a guest just gets it.  Such is the case with Julie Bowen when she visited with Jimmy Kimmel. Not only was she funny, clever and quick with witty repartee, but she knew Kimmel’s audience all too well, as evidenced by the subject matter of the entire first half of the interview — her pregnancy enlarged boobs!  Bowen and Kimmel kept referring to them as if they were a separate guest. Bowen described their bigger-than-ever-size as a result of breast feeding and assured her host that “they are going away.” “Let me say goodbye to them,” Kimmel replied. Bowen added “This is it for the twins.” She played it beautifully.

When they shifted to talking about her new film, Sex and Death, 101, she said she chose the film because she got to make out with Simon Baker, which then led to a pithy exchange about the Sinatra clause — the designation of one person your mate will give you an “out” to sleep with. The subsequent banter was delightful.

The nice, refreshing thing about Bowen is her sparkle. She never tries too hard to shine. It just comes naturally, which in turn made Kimmel shine, as well — always a good trait for a guest on a talk show.

If you didn’t know much about David Beckham other than his soccer prowess, half-naked billboards and marriage to Posh Spice Girl Victoria, you might have been surprised to see and hear him on The Tonight Show recently. A very polite, slightly nervous English chap, who dressed up for the show (is that just a British thing?) in a suit and tie, chatted with Jay like they were mates – well almost, they are actually neighbors. And in connection with that, Beckham took the opportunity to apologize for all the paparazzi.

The surprise about the usually silent superstar is that, while he looks like he might be upper crust, he is actually a working class bloke. His accent bespeaks his upbringing with a gas-fitter dad and a hairdresser mum. He was really quite humble and proud when he said he is living his father’s dream. (His dad was a huge soccer fan and his parents completely supported him throughout his career.)

On to the interview.

What is it with Jay that he has to continually pull out the juvenile pranks to try to embarrass guests with ambush photos, video and “grade school” level questions? Didn’t he learn anything from his recent “tail between his legs” apology to Ryan Philippe for going down a ridiculous gay round of queries?

When Jay showed the aforementioned half-naked billboard, Beckham was genuinely uncomfortable. He said he was “so nervous” doing the shoot because he had never posed in his underwear and he knew his wife, friends and mother would see it. While being nervous and shy can be the kiss-of-death for a talk show guest, Beckham made it work by coming off real and charming.

Eventually they got to the reason for his visit, his 100th game for England (the National Team), an achievement only reached by four other players in history, and not for 20 years. Oh yes, he did mentioned that the Galaxy’s season was about to begin – good thing as we seem to recall they paid him a pretty penny to turn around the fortunes of the LA franchise.

The best part of the interview, however, was not part of his interview at all. It was actually when the next guest, Sherri Shepherd, came out and continually flirted her butt off, saying “he’s fine!” over and over again. She admitted that she even had cut out a picture from a magazine of Beckham and his wife in bed, and put her face over Victoria’s…and it was “HOT!” The entire time, Beckham’s reactions were priceless. Reverting to his silent nature, he never uttered a word, just grinned appropriately and laughed like he loved every minute of it. And we believe he was, which made the audience love it even more. Sometimes, silence is golden.

Today’s challenge: you’re a successful comic actress in your mid-30s. Your show, which was the highest-rated new sitcom last fall, disappeared like many series under the weight of the writers’ strike, and is about to return. So what do you do? If you’re Christina Applegate star of Samantha Who?, you pop up on Late Night to remind viewers that you’re still here. But what does a guest do when the host is having an off night, with a weak monologue and a luke warm comedy sketch that are your unavoidable lead in?  Take a page from the Applegate Almanac.

First, you adapt to the low-key, if deflated, atmosphere. Then you affirm your status as a Conan fan by asking him why he doesn’t do his “string dance” during the monologue anymore? Following through by engaging your host in a dance duet. Then you have some fun by getting in a crotch joke as you take a shot at your recent Self Magazine cover.

While Applegate has mastered the knack of being sexy and funny, what really serves her well as a guest is her ability to react. She fine tunes her expressions and responses so that they fit the less than perfect mood of the night, while still getting in her own gags and, most importantly, feeding her host with solid set-up lines.

Not every show permits the guest to hit the ball out of the park, but Applegate played to her natural charm, making the audience feel comfortable in what could have been an awkward interview. Typically we’d saddle Applegate with a less than perfect score, but for her careful read of the situation and adaptability to the tone of the show, we give her the maximum grade.

If anyone should be naturally equipped to make a great showing on a talk show, it’s a career politician several months into a national campaign. They’re rehearsed and experienced, with a ton of anecdotes at their fingertips, plus ample prepping by a squad of professionals behind the scenes. We expect them to be relaxed, witty, informed and on their game

Senator Hillary Clinton fulfilled all expectations when she swept onto The Tonight Show in her customary pantsuit, topped in bright red to up the energy quotient. She pre-empted any questions on her recent “misspeaking” about her experiences in a Bosnian landing zone and confessed, “Obviously, I had a lapse.”

When Hillary and Jay went after the serious subjects, she delivered her opinions with a humorous slant, proclaiming, “It’s the economy, stupid – and unfortunately it’s a stupid economy.” When Leno brought up Chelsea, noting, “She said you would make a better president than her dad,” Hillary had a perfect comeback, “Oh, she’s such a smart young woman.”

Her natural gesturing kept the visual energy high and she made an excellent connection with her host. Her body language was solid, as she leaned in toward Leno and patted his desk to make her points. But she barely misses a 5 Whisper rating because she failed to maintain eye contact consistently. This appearance was marred by an annoying habit of looking at the floor for long stretches, making it impossible for the camera to find her and keeping the viewer from making a connection. If she could direct some of that eye line to the crowd, she would have aced our scoreboard.

Helen Mirren seemed almost as if she had never been on a talk show before when she joined David Letterman recently to promote her new book, In the Frame. She actually asked Dave which chair to sit in (he motioned to the one nearest him). She then shattered all illusions of the proper British lady when, upon sitting, she commented that this was the first time she had ever sat down in this dress and she admittedly was expecting to hear a big ripping sound from the ultra tight frock. Dave quickly parried with “that would be our good luck.”

They had a quite extensive discussion about her honorary title of Dame and everything that goes with it (literally and figuratively). The best part of this chat was Mirren describing going to Buckingham Palace with her husband in his ill-fitting morning suit and top hat in a filthy cab (most honorees take a private car) that smelled like a pub and cigarettes.

Dave then held up her book and several photos from the book. The book is more photos than text because Mirren always goes to the photos first when SHE reads a book. Of course there were the requisite risqué pix, which tickled Dave and Mirren seemed to relish.

While there was nothing exceptional about her visit, Mirren was lovely and jaunty, and tight dress notwithstanding, still a charming interview.

Courtney Cox and Ellen DeGeneres are clearly friends. And there lies the blessing and the curse in a talk show appearance. We know they are friends, because not only did Ellen mention it several times, but she opened the interview asking Cox when she was last over to the house. They then proceeded to discuss the visit to Ellen’s “amazing” house for an evening of Pictionary, how well they (Cox and husband David Arquette) played the game, and how much fun they all had! Too close and too cute for the average host, but Ellen does have a way of keeping it from getting sickening sweet.

The problem with this level of familiarity is that Cox, a seasoned veteran of the talk show circuit, lost control of why she came in the show in the first place to promote her FX series Dirt and a cosmetic line.

Ellen relentlessly stayed on the personal track when she brought up Cox’s daughter, Coco and asked if Cox wanted to have more kids, to which she replied, “Now?” Ellen, clarifying that she didn’t mean with her, but with someone else. Cox politely attempted to answer and move on, but Ellen kept pushing, saying “you could adopt, you could use a surrogate, you could have another baby…” Cox said “maybe we’ll talk about it some other time… I don’t know.” Ellen replied “no, let’s talk about it now.” Ellen finally got off the issue by suggesting that Cox adopt her and give her an allowance.

Ellen then cornered Cox with the dreaded Friends reunion question. Cox bobbed and weaved, berating Ellen, a bit, saying they never talk about THIS stuff at home. Ellen chose to hide behind her roll as host of a show where the viewers demand her to ask such questions. Cox deftly put it to bed saying, “has that Sex and the City movie come out yet? Let’s see how that does.”

They then segued into a previously ignored reason for her booking, the discussion of a cosmetic line Cox represents, Kinarese. Ellen proceeded to eat it – yes eat it — much to the delight of the audience. When Ellen offered Cox a crackerful, Cox wiggled her way out, replying “I ate so much of it before I came out!”

Overall, Cox did a good job trying to maintain her composure, managing to remain natural and unaffected even as Ellen felt the need to show her familial ties to her “friend” and smother the plugs.

It was a squealing fawn fest as Barack sat with the ladies on a recent edition of The View. Although it does bring to mind whether he is running for the President of the United States or Prom King. As usual, he handled himself beautifully, an almost perfect mix of humor and import, physicality and distance. Not only did he charm the panel with that natural charisma, but he took everything they threw at him in stride, including a lengthy barrage of questions about the controversial Reverend Wright, in which he remained calm, collected and thoughtful.

At one point, Joy Behar asked him about being related to Brad Pitt and amid the hoots and hollers, he commented that “Pitt got the better looking side of the gene pool.” To which Barbara Walters said “we think you’re very sexy.” Obama coolly feigned embarrassment, fanning his face with his hand. Oh, please!

Even right wing panelist Elisabeth Hasselbeck found herself praising Obama’s 2004 DNC speech and gushing about how it inspired her, to which he said, “That was a pretty good speech.” Proving yet again, he’s got the aw shucks, self-deprecating thing down to a science at this point. Behar later asked if he’s tough enough to survive the republican “swiftboat” attacks that would certainly come out in the general election. To which Obama replied, “You know, I’m a pretty tough… I’m skinny, but I’m tough.”

At the end of the day though it was a “safe” appearance, at time echoing the now classic SNL parodies of press softball questions. There was not a lot of new information here, but Obama is so adept and comfortable with his smooth demeanor, that he makes it all look so easy.

Artie Lange’s “Death Wish” tour continues with yet another appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. It’s a good thing Lange is best known for his annoying squeal on the Howard Stern Show, because he truly has a face and body for radio.

Lange has mastered the “I just rolled out of bed” look with all the finesse and style of a freeway off-ramp bum. The crotch of his pants was down to his knees and he completed the picture with a full day facial growth that gave him all the charm of a down and out prospector. Kimmel couldn’t help but comment on Lange’s JKL5 (Jimmy Kimmel Live 5) T-shirt, which he apparently wasn’t wearing in support of the show, but because the V-neck shirt he brought had gotten so sweaty that his designer sister insisted he change. Kimmel couldn’t help but comment on the new XXXL Lange, saying he actually liked the “hefty Artie.” Lange later jumped on to the “all you can eat” bandwagon by describing himself as a “fat scumbag.”

But looks aside, all would be forgiven if he was funny – after all we could always close our eyes. Well he wasn’t.

Lange has presumably moved on to the ranting phase of his career, which is unfortunate, as he appeared to be on a comedic roll until recently. He moved on to discussing topics like, being on the Howard Stern Show has NOT helped him get laid, orgasms, AIDS (oh, he’s totally against it), and the fact that he still considers Jessica Simpson the bitch that broke up 98 degrees. He then continued with his current crop of gay bashing bits, commenting how fruity this whole generation is, and adding that he wouldn’t want to bring a kid into such a gay world.

He wrapped by saying the biggest advantage to being on the Stern show is that he now sells out Carnegie Hall and the Gibson Amphitheater and gets to make films like Beer League — now out on DVD. It’s fortunate he has that daily plug fest, because he barely used this Kimmel appearance sell his wares.
It all just sounded like the self-deprecating, unhappy ravings of Belushi or Farley as they got closer to the end. What a shame, because, as Lange is famous for quoting movie lines, “he coulda been a contender.”