Hayden Panettiere is the thinking man’s Paris Hilton…although Paris’ ensemble would have had more flair and color than Panettiere’s conservative, drab cowl neck sweater and tight-bunned hairstyle.

Panettiere’s first few minutes with Dave, smacked of Paris’ vapid, giggly persona, but then they started to get serious (deadly with Dave if you’re a hot young woman) and began talking about her summer trying to save whales in Japan.  They talked and talked and talked.  Not that her intentions weren’t good, but the stories about almost being hit by long poles and her vivid explanation of the bloody harpooning not to mention her feeling of imminent arrest, just didn’t play on Dave’s stage. Panettiere almost missed her objective of promoting the return of her series, Heroes, until Dave saved the day with a last minute exit plug.

Yes Hayden, we understand you aren’t just a kick ass cheerleader, you are a real, caring and intelligent person! Blah, Blah, Blah – next time save it for you Barbara Walters pre-Oscar special.  On second thought, have you considered blogging?

Artie Lange’s “Death Wish” tour continues with yet another appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. It’s a good thing Lange is best known for his annoying squeal on the Howard Stern Show, because he truly has a face and body for radio.

Lange has mastered the “I just rolled out of bed” look with all the finesse and style of a freeway off-ramp bum. The crotch of his pants was down to his knees and he completed the picture with a full day facial growth that gave him all the charm of a down and out prospector. Kimmel couldn’t help but comment on Lange’s JKL5 (Jimmy Kimmel Live 5) T-shirt, which he apparently wasn’t wearing in support of the show, but because the V-neck shirt he brought had gotten so sweaty that his designer sister insisted he change. Kimmel couldn’t help but comment on the new XXXL Lange, saying he actually liked the “hefty Artie.” Lange later jumped on to the “all you can eat” bandwagon by describing himself as a “fat scumbag.”

But looks aside, all would be forgiven if he was funny – after all we could always close our eyes. Well he wasn’t.

Lange has presumably moved on to the ranting phase of his career, which is unfortunate, as he appeared to be on a comedic roll until recently. He moved on to discussing topics like, being on the Howard Stern Show has NOT helped him get laid, orgasms, AIDS (oh, he’s totally against it), and the fact that he still considers Jessica Simpson the bitch that broke up 98 degrees. He then continued with his current crop of gay bashing bits, commenting how fruity this whole generation is, and adding that he wouldn’t want to bring a kid into such a gay world.

He wrapped by saying the biggest advantage to being on the Stern show is that he now sells out Carnegie Hall and the Gibson Amphitheater and gets to make films like Beer League — now out on DVD. It’s fortunate he has that daily plug fest, because he barely used this Kimmel appearance sell his wares.
It all just sounded like the self-deprecating, unhappy ravings of Belushi or Farley as they got closer to the end. What a shame, because, as Lange is famous for quoting movie lines, “he coulda been a contender.”

William Safire is a brilliant observer of the political scene, a legendary speechwriter and a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist. Your average Daily Show viewer might – just might – know him as the author of Nixon Vice-President Spiro Agnew’s famous putdown of the press as “nattering nabobs of negativism.” A fact that apparently so enamored Jon Stewart, he was probably an easy booking on the show. However as a guest, Safire na-bobbled the assignment quite thoroughly.

Plugging an update of his classic book, “Safire’s Political Dictionary,” his exchanges with host Jon Stewart had as much electricity as your standard dictionary. When telling a story, he wandered all over the place, taking forever to make a simple point. Stewart was working overtime, desperately trying to turn the interview into something entertaining with barrages of gags, even interrupting and trying to save Safire’s creaky comments at times.

Further proof that Safire was in the wrong place at the wrong time was his failure to actually promote his book with any conviction. It took Stewart piling on superlatives at the end to get the message out. Clearly being a master of the printed word isn’t enough to carry the day under the relentless glare of TV. Bill stick to the typewriter…er, uh…computer!

Wearing an extremely unflattering dress that looked more like a potato sack cinched and tied tightly under the bust line, Parker Posey appeared ill-at-ease with Craig Ferguson, often looking off to the side and down, away from the host. Even her body language was deadly as she sat turned so far towards Ferguson, that her profile was all that was visible to the audience and camera. That combined with the hair in her eyes, made it difficult for viewers to make any sort of a connection.

Booked to promote her series The Return of Jezebel James, (which was just pulled from the Fox Friday schedule) Posey hardly mentioned the show and instead discussed her allergies, moving, and went off on a tangent about breaking her finger on stage, and taking Vicodin while watching Six Feet Under, that featured her series co-star Lauren Ambrose. Quite a twisted mess, and not a particularly entertaining one.

Posey seemed to have trouble with Ferguson’s accent at times, and seemed to ignore him altogether in order to continue her point, when there was one. Whatever rapport existed in the past between the two of them, as she has been a frequent guest on The Late Late Show, was sadly missing this night.