George Clooney exuded star quality the moment he walked onto the Late Show set, looking like he had just stepped out of Ocean’s 14.  And while being George Clooney is something none of us can ever hope to achieve, there’s a lot to be learned by observing his high-wire balancing act as a talk show guest, striking the perfect balance between being A-list and accessible.

Clooney has the self-deprecating act down to a science, blending the “I wish I was a star like him” and a viewer’s desire to see the all too human side of the high-and-mighty.  Watching George and Dave pal around and share celeb stories, we think “Oh, I want to belong to THAT club!”

Clooney knows the trick to spinning a great story is to have it so well rehearsed that it never seems rehearsed.  He made it look like he just remembered the hilarious incident that happened when police helicopters swarmed neighbor Britney Spears’ house.  And he got plenty of plugs in for his new movie, Leatherheads, by telling funny stories that generously showcased the other actors, at his own expense.  His guest stint was a textbook example of how to look ridiculously cool while telling stories about appearing ridiculous.  Not so easy when you come to think about it.

Clooney secured the Perfect Guest title by giving Dave what ever talk show host craves: a bankable celebrity who not only charms the audience, but hangs around to do a comedy skit as well.  Dave said it best, “If everyone were like George Clooney, show business would be a much better place.”

William Safire is a brilliant observer of the political scene, a legendary speechwriter and a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist. Your average Daily Show viewer might – just might – know him as the author of Nixon Vice-President Spiro Agnew’s famous putdown of the press as “nattering nabobs of negativism.” A fact that apparently so enamored Jon Stewart, he was probably an easy booking on the show. However as a guest, Safire na-bobbled the assignment quite thoroughly.

Plugging an update of his classic book, “Safire’s Political Dictionary,” his exchanges with host Jon Stewart had as much electricity as your standard dictionary. When telling a story, he wandered all over the place, taking forever to make a simple point. Stewart was working overtime, desperately trying to turn the interview into something entertaining with barrages of gags, even interrupting and trying to save Safire’s creaky comments at times.

Further proof that Safire was in the wrong place at the wrong time was his failure to actually promote his book with any conviction. It took Stewart piling on superlatives at the end to get the message out. Clearly being a master of the printed word isn’t enough to carry the day under the relentless glare of TV. Bill stick to the typewriter…er, uh…computer!

When Demi Moore strode onto the Letterman stage in a very flattering bright red dress, she was every bit the consummate actress and star (even perfectly raising her foot when Letterman hugged her). Through the course of the interview, she was flirty and fun and filled with just the right kind of racy stories for late night TV. And other than her annoying nervous habit of keeping her hands clasped together almost the entire time, which transmitted a palpable tension, she was a great interview for a fawning Dave.

Letterman showed pictures of her with her three daughters in Bazaar magazine and when he asked how she keeps them on the straight and narrow, she said “I beat them with a belt…” PAUSE…then she cracked up laughing.

She then spent a good deal of time discussing her recent trip to Austria for leech therapy, “but with highly trained medical leeches!” She got very graphic when describing the first leech crawling in her bellybutton and biting down. “You bastard!” she said. She also informed everyone that the leeches don’t like hair, so a “proper Brazilian” was necessary. Dave and the audience broke up. She mentioned that she even brought photos, which were deemed too explicit for even late night, much to Dave and Paul’s disappointment.

Moore then talked about her new film with Michael Caine, Flawless and discussed their first film together, Blame It On Rio, some twenty years ago. Moore confessed that she was certain such a comedy could never be made today as Caine, her father in the film, has an affair with her 17-year old best friend.

Moore handled herself with poise and playful charm…now if she could just pry open those hands and let us all relax she’ll get a 5 Whisper score next time.

Ryan Phillippe’s appearance on Jay Leno left something to be desired…and not on Phillippe’s part.

He did his best to roll with Leno’s endless jokes about the fact that Phillippe’s first job was as the first openly gay teenager on a daytime soap opera, (One Life to Live). After Jay asked him to look into the camera and give us his “gayest look,” (for which Leno has since apologized after mounting pressure from the gay and lesbian communities) Phillippe not only declined, but jokingly threatened to walk off the show, even going to far as to stand up, take a few steps and say goodbye to the crowd. When the unrelenting Leno implied he had plenty more fodder with which to embarrass Phillippe, including a naked Armani jeans commercial he’d done many years ago, Phillippe threatened, more seriously this time, to walk. Then, when Jay informed him he had the commercial ready to show, Phillippe literally put his head in his hands, saying “I’m outta here.”

While Phillippe was entertaining in an uncomfortable way, his nervous habits of rarely making eye contact with the host and constantly rubbing his hands on his jeans were distracting and made for a less-than-ideal interview, even when Jay kept baiting him.

Luckily, he was able to talk quite a lot about his new film “Stop-Loss” and how it is really told from the soldier’s point of view. He admitted that during the Gulf war period, he and a buddy went to enlist. The buddy did, and he just took the free T-shirt and went to New York to pursue acting.

He did discuss his kids, his distaste for Googling because anonymous people can say hateful things, and his love of all things Frank Sinatra (whom Jay opened for years ago). Toward the end of the interview, Leno, one more time, brought up the gay teenage thing and Phillippe basically ignored him saying “Anyway…” They laughed, but like a dentist appointment, we’re guessing Phillippe was glad this interview was over.

There’s a reason host Jon Stewart has the ergonomic Aeron flight seat and the guests have an ordinary office chair: he doesn’t want his targets to get too comfortable.

Senator Chuck Hagel of Nebraska looked crisp and composed when he showed up to plug his book, “America: Our Next Chapter.” He did get a couple of uncharacteristically humorous zingers in while Jon wasn’t looking, but as entertainment, he had the misfortune to be a Republican who agrees with Jon on the folly of the Iraq war, so the sharpness of comic arrows that typically fly back and forth during a Daily Show conservative target was blunted by Jon’s eager nodding at his anti-war opinions. Without the sparring, the interview just fell flat.

Opinions were also at the heart of Sen. Hagel’s biggest problem on the show: he voiced a lot of them without interesting stories or new perspectives to back them up. Then there was his misreading of the audience for The Daily Show. Anyone interested in the ideas in his book would recognize the appeal right away. But this is a comedy show and the audience who shows up for the laughs, so viewers need to be seduced by the trademark humorous interplay, of which there was sadly little.

Two Whispers and two cardinal Guest Whisperer rules: have a pocketful of short, unexpected stories to hook listeners and viewers into your cause; and know the audience you’re facing and how to engage them.

Don Rickles. What can you say? 60 years in show biz. 82 years old and still runs rings around stand-ups pumping Red Bulls at the Improv. Okay, maybe he moves a little slower, but with aim as deadly as his, who cares?

You’d think that sixty years later, with a million-gag repertoire in that huge hairless skull, Rickles would be coasting. But he worked this show! He insulted the band, the audience, Jimmy – anyone in range. And they loved it. Were some of the jokes creaky? You bet. But if you don’t like this one, there’ll be another along any second. Ba-rum-bum!!

Rickles’ political incorrectness is his stock in trade and still occasionally seems shocking in these sensitive times. Mr. Warmth, however, can get away with anything. When Jimmy noted that JK Live was approaching its 1000th episode, Rickles reflected on the show: “Once in a while when I take a shot at the wife, I use it for a nightlight.” There were other jokes The Guest Whisperer won’t even repeat!

Since Kimmel is in the middle of his concert stunt run, the audience is mostly young enough to get carded. However, when Rickles trotted out an old gag from the ‘60s – “Look at this kid – Halloween’s over!” – both the 19-year-old target and the rest of the audience were falling over. He did get sincere for a second, thanking Jimmy for hosting the Television Academy event featuring his new DVD (“Mr. Warmth – The Don Rickles Project”).

All in all when it comes to talk show appearances, the man is a class act in a class by himself.

Okay, all the tips and guidelines and inside secrets we’ve been espousing here at The Guest Whisperer – you can just throw them out. The rulebook for being a smash hit as a talk show guest has just been rewritten and it goes like this:

1. Be the hottest new three-brother boy band on the scene, or at least be at the top of Disney/ABC/Hollywood Records teen-celeb hit machine.

2. Pack the audience with tons of tween and teen fans jacked up on female hormones, thereby……sending your host’s youth demographic through the roof.

3. Be excruciatingly cute, yet apparently unaffected by fame.

4. Let that straightman host have some fun and be your guide through the screaming twists and turns of female fandom, because hey you have no fear of the competition on that stage – those adoring eyes, and pounding pulses are there to see YOU, right?

5. Secure that you’ve locked your target demo down tight, proceed to expand your crossover appeal with bite-sized multi-generational stories like your visit to the White House Easter Egg Hunt (“The President looked at my feet and said ‘I like them shoes, Joe – I gotta get me a pair.’”) and how Barry Gibb of the BeeGees is giving you career advice because his daughter is a gonzo fan.

6. Top it off by letting Jimmy play ringmaster to a wicked exclusive concert that has the audience screaming the audio meter off the hook and then throw in an encore that plays straight through the credits.

Come to think of it – these ARE the rules we’ve been touting: play to your strengths, connect with your host, keep your stories clever and funny and short, and let the audience feel they’re seeing something extra they wouldn’t get at your concert, in your movie, or on your TV show.

Now, if you could just get yourself a boy band, you’d be set!

Roseanne Barr has had her ups and downs. She’s been in and out, and rarely wanders far from controversy. Through it all, she has been a remarkably reliable talk show guest and interview subject, as demonstrated by her appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. While Roseanne plugged her ongoing show at the Sahara in Las Vegas, it’s impossible to confine her to a single subject – or even a mere half dozen. She took flight on parenting, joke writing, psychic abilities, politics and her unreasonable fear of Siegfried and Roy.

Simultaneously a celebrity and an ordinary Joe (or Jane), when she relates how she went gaga at seeing Wayne Newton’s mansion, she is the star-struck fan in us all. Yet with her explanation of why she loves Obama, but supports Hillary – “Ho’s before bro’s” is her philosophy – she is dancing on the edge of talk show boundaries.

She can talk about mundane things, that from other guests would have us fidgeting in our seats, because with Roseanne, we know something outrageous is just around the corner. You sense both 50-something housewives and college students respond when she said she gets revenge on her daughters by giving bad advice to her grandchildren. (“Go ahead, poop in your pants. You’re only five!”) She pulled the audience in by giving them sly looks that say “You know what I mean” – looks that slip right by Jimmy. Even so, both she and Jimmy were wonderfully generous in their set-ups for each other: equal opportunity quipsters. The final result was a show segment that was endlessly funny and consistently genuine. (Hey, does anyone else notice that if you close your eyes when Roseanne is talking, you could swear Barbara Walters is in the room?!

Thandie Newton is tiny. You may not think so, when she’s paired with vertically challenged leading men like Tom Cruise, but she is a mere slip of a thing, which became apparent when she walked onto the set of The Late Late Show. Yet diminutive as she is, she was almost big enough to stand up to the comic onslaught that is Craig Ferguson. You have to throw out some of the usual talk show rules when dealing with Craig, whose inventive mind and natural-amphetamine bloodstream keep quips flying at supersonic speeds. Perhaps that’s why the producers chose to show her clip from Run Fatboy Run before Thandie came out: any clip would have fallen flat had it been shown after the whirlwind Craig put Newton through.

Considering what she was up against, Thandie played this situation beautifully. Rather than coming on as a performer, she showed up as the witty and accommodating guest – sophisticated, but unafraid of dropping the occasional rude bomb about plastic surgery. Although she was hardly shy and certainly vocal, she wisely refused to play competitively with Craig. Instead she raised the game of reacting to an art form, amplifying the impact of her host’s humor and winning the admiration of the audience at the same time. She treated Craig like one would handle a rambunctious and outrageous friend, both calling him on his naughtiness and surrendering to the fun of it. When he launched a running gag on Tom Cruise’s height, she gently slapped him down while still going with the laughs. A splendid balancing act that demonstrated some of the ruling principles of guest-dom: research your host well, but remain flexible so you can steer with the prevailing winds. Remember that there is more than one way to make a good impression.

Wearing an extremely unflattering dress that looked more like a potato sack cinched and tied tightly under the bust line, Parker Posey appeared ill-at-ease with Craig Ferguson, often looking off to the side and down, away from the host. Even her body language was deadly as she sat turned so far towards Ferguson, that her profile was all that was visible to the audience and camera. That combined with the hair in her eyes, made it difficult for viewers to make any sort of a connection.

Booked to promote her series The Return of Jezebel James, (which was just pulled from the Fox Friday schedule) Posey hardly mentioned the show and instead discussed her allergies, moving, and went off on a tangent about breaking her finger on stage, and taking Vicodin while watching Six Feet Under, that featured her series co-star Lauren Ambrose. Quite a twisted mess, and not a particularly entertaining one.

Posey seemed to have trouble with Ferguson’s accent at times, and seemed to ignore him altogether in order to continue her point, when there was one. Whatever rapport existed in the past between the two of them, as she has been a frequent guest on The Late Late Show, was sadly missing this night.